Depression

I know my behavior yesterday was unreasonable. You people never did anything to me that would constitute such an attitude. But like in many things I've done, I can only say that I'm sorry and I couldn't help it.

I was extremely irritated yesterday because I could have gone home early, if only we'd finished our project in Comp. Sci. a long time ago. I could have gone home early if some people didn't bother Lainly and thus delayed the completion of the movie editing. I could have gone home early if they didn't spend their time using my laptop in other ways instead of burning the finished movie into a CD. I could have gone home early if they'd helped instead of delayed. I would have never fought with my mother over always being the one who brought the needed things if only others were responsible enough to bring their own, seeing as this is a class project and not an individual project.

Life is full of I could haves. Sometimes, it's not worth it to think about the possibilities and dwell on them instead of focusing on the present. But at the time, I forgot that and grew irritated, frustrated, angry, a mix of sadness and other intense, negative emotions, fueled by the fact that I was tired.

Because of that, I preferred being alone in order not to blow up at other people. As I waited for my mom to fetch me, I went to the bathroom and had crying jags on and off. I didn't understand why. And in my head, I was just so freaking tired of pretending to be polite and being a good sport about the delay, when really, I wasn't. So I shut up and was indifferent to other people. Simply put, I ignored them because I didn't trust myself to be calm enough not to yell at them and drag them along with my misdirected feelings. So I stayed silent.

I don't know. I want to say sorry, but I'm not that sorry. I can't just decide on one thing.

Wounds will heal in time.